The great American election of November 2004 has come and gone.  After all of the political pundits have bickered and all of the votes have been tallied, the citizens of the United States have spoken with singular resolution to the rest of the world.  After 228 years of representative democracy, the People united together with one voice and proudly proclaimed, “Fuck, I can’t stand my fellow American!  They are so stupid, I just want to wring their necks!”

My friends, we must come to grips with what recent events in our nation mean.  Let’s face it - the metaphor of the United States as a melting pot is nothing more than a lofty and weak pipe dream.  We can’t even agree to disagree among ourselves.  With so many perspectives stemming from our different nationalities, ethnicities, racial composition, religions, and sexual preferences, we have become so polarized that nobody can come together for any sort of consensual agreement.  Attempting to get all of us to meet halfway on any political subject is as impossible as trying to convince Ben Affleck to give up his unprolific acting career – and equally as painful to watch.  So what are we going to do about this obvious chasm?  It is high time to call an end to this little failed experiment we know as collective democracy.   Instead of living adjacent to neighbors that we are perpetually disgusted by, let’s associate with people we can actually bear to stand.  We are already divided along so many ideological lines, so let’s make the separation complete!  Let us parcel off this vast land that supports 300 million people and divvy it up among ourselves.

That’s right, divvy it up!  All this acreage of land is large enough for all of us to live.     Therefore, we should drop the pretense that we can live amicably among ourselves, shake hands, and relocate to a newly formed country where we fit in best, without making any rash moves to Canada.  I propose a mere five-year plan to disassemble the United States of America and rebuild it into several independent states.  Surely there are enough amber waves of grain, purple mountain majesties, fruited plains, and even alabaster cities gleaming to horde it selfishly among our respective groups.

The Confederate States of America
Proposed president - George W. Bush

In the short history of the United States, the old wound between the North and South that divided this nation during the Civil War has never properly healed.  When Abraham Lincoln fought to keep our nation together and succeeded, he made a dreadful mistake.  The southern states should have been freed to govern themselves as they saw fit and form the Confederate States of America. (C.S.A.).  With America dissolved, the Bars and Stripes will again fly freely over their nation’s capitol.

The first act under Bush’s rule would be to reverse Roe V. Wade and historically ban all abortion, with any violation punishable by death.  Every state, county, and municipal jail will be equipped with gallows where the death penalty will be enforced by hanging or firing row.  But that’s not all - the C.S.A. will undergo an entire cultural revolution.  Christianity will be the only allowable religion to be observed.  The education system will allow you to complete your schooling after the 8th grade.  Female customs of wearing uncomfortable girdles, long bulbous dresses, and walking the streets with parasols in hand will return en vogue.  Women will cook dinner for their family in the kitchen, where they should have never left in the first place.  Any and all civil rights law, including the 13th amendment will be repealed, and slavery will be reinstituted.  Segregation will be also be reinforced so, “Uh huh, hush that fuss, everybody move to the back of the bus.”  Interracial relationships will be outlawed and homosexuals will be shot on sight.  Even metrosexuals will wind up with five-year jail time.  The country’s Pledge of Allegiance will end as follows, “One nation, under God, but if you’re queer, please steer clear.”  It will be illegal to have relations with the same sex, but you will have the right to marry your sister.

New England
Proposed president - John Kerry

If you don’t share Christian beliefs, slaving the cotton fields doesn’t appeal to you, or perhaps you just don't like to cook, - you may want to consider moving to New England, where you will be able to follow God, Allah, or Spongebob Squarepants if you so choose.  This expansive nation will include the eastern seaboard from Maine to Washington D.C., Pennsylvania, and north Midwestern states.  Gays and lesbians will finally achieve the social acceptance and equality they have been desperately seeking in New England.  Homosexuals will be granted the right to marry and enjoy the same miserable opportunities of record divorce rates just like the rest of us.  Every convenience store in this country will offer New Englanders services of legal prostitution and full-scale abortions in addition to the traditional sales of lottery tickets and three-day old hot dogs.  Blacks and Hispanics will compose the racial majority in New England.  The year 2013 will welcome continental America’s first black President elected; unfortunately, he will be assassinated two days after taking office.  New England will need to invoke affirmative action and equal right clauses for white Anglo-Saxon Protestants (WASPs).  In fact, this particular nation will undergo a reverse social phenomenon called ‘suburban flight’; as more WASPS move into sprawling ‘burbs of the northeast, everyone else will flee to the inner city.  The government will replace decaying mini-malls by constructing multiple lifeless buildings to house these whites, increase the number of police precincts in these districts, and build more jails to house these trouble-making people.

Washifornia
Proposed president - Ralph Nader

The states of California, Oregon, and Washington should combine into one autonomous nation.  The west coast of the United States has always been considered a foreign country among our populace anyway, so why not just make it official?  Those liberal heathens in Los Angeles, Hollywood and beyond have created nothing more than a modern day Sodom and Gomorrah.  Allowed to run loose, every sect and religious cult will converge to the West Coast so that they may be able to sacrifice virgins and herds of goats at will.

Similar to their east-coast cousin, New England, Washifornia will invoke a constitutional amendment permitting gay marriage; furthermore, the citizens of this nation will ban different-sex marriage.  Tree-hugging environmentalists will throw their Birkenstocks in the air with joy as they will no longer have to chain themselves to rare redwoods or protect endangered species of animals that nobody has ever heard of.  English will be considered Washifornia’s third language after Spanish and Ebonics.  And finally, finally, Ralph Nader can be the leader of a nation that will give him more than 1% of the popular vote.

The rest of the new nations

Other independent states will include West America, the largest land mass of all the nations spawned from the former United States, but with the least population.  It will be so sparse that the land where the buffalo and antelope play will be forced to give these same animals voting rights.   Texas will be independent because – let’s face it – those gunslingers already think they’re their own country.  The former states of  Hawaii and Alaska, along with U.S. territories such as Puerto Rico and Guam will be set free to do…whatever it was that they were doing before.

Florida will become the smallest mainland country by default, because no other new country will desire to claim them as a state.  A 90-mile land bridge between Florida and Cuba will be constructed by 2020, and eventually these two countries will merge so that entire families don’t have to risk their lives clinging onto wood rafts trying to reach Miami.  Afterwards, we can take those same poorly constructed floatation devices and ship off all surviving Native Americans out into the Atlantic Ocean.  Finally, after all of years of conquering their people, we can finally be rid of the remainder of these suckers.  If we can convince the original purveyors of this land to give up the Brooklyn Bridge for petty cash, surely we can con them into taking a dinghy out to sea.

For those who are still insistent on migrating to Canada, there is a solution that will work to everyone’s advantage: move to Quebec.  Canada doesn’t want any part with those French-speaking elitists any more than they want with them.  There has been a growing secessionist movement in Quebec for years, so let’s work with our northern neighbors to nail two birds with one stone.   Give Quebec to us.

My dear friends and compatriots – the world is closely watching us, the citizens of the most powerful nation in the world.  It would only take five years to work together to achieve this segregated utopia.  With so many new nations to hate, Osama Bin Laden will be unable to sort through his confusion, collapse and die of a brain hemorrhage.  So whichever country you choose to live in, pick wisely and you will be greeted with open arms by people who think just like you.  Everyone will be free and happy, divisible, with justice for all.  From sea to shining sea, let freedom ring!