During the balmy summer of 1998, a group of my fellow co-workers and I boarded our building’s elevator to break for lunch.  No sooner than after the elevator doors shut did we hear the muffled sound of a cellular phone ringing from underneath the suit of a fellow passenger.  The man briefly paused, painfully slow to comprehend that the ringing was indeed coming from his own pocket.  With no hint of shame or discomfort, he eventually reached underneath his jacket and loudly answered.

“This is Bill, hello?  TED!  Hey, you’ll never guess where you caught me – I’m in the elevator.”  He immediately followed with a dismissive laugh, “Yes, the elevator!  Go ahead and purchase 400 shares of Enron.  Uh huh.  Yes.  No.  Yeah.  I’m headed to lunch!  Yes!  How’s the wife, Ted?”   Much to our annoyance, this man continued to motor his mouth as we descended and exited the elevator.  Shaking his head, one of my co-workers marveled “I’ve seen it all, now.”  

Today, this episode may not seem like a big deal, but with the explosion of wireless services worldwide, what was once considered an exception in regards to cellular phone usage has become quite commonplace in our society.  In 2004, we wouldn’t blink twice should someone’s cell phone go off in an elevator.

It was at this moment, six years ago, that I realized that civilization as I personally knew it was coming to an abrupt end.  The wildfire of cellular insanity had been officially sparked, and no protest would ever reasonably slow down this madness.  In the early 20th century, leaders in science and technology dreamed that we would construct buildings that towered into the stratosphere, have robot maids that would clean our houses, and travel in flying automobiles.  These sorts of predictions would eventually find their way into the movies and television shows of Hollywood.  If George Jetson could fly his car to work and the metalhead Rosie could clean his family’s sky-high apartment, why wasn’t anyone talking on a cell phone?  Why didn’t any of the so-called “experts” predict this as part of our everyday life?

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The explosion of cell phones in modern Western culture is enough to drive anyone crazy.  We push our shopping carts through the grocery store, talking loudly on our cells, because of an undying need to carry on an important discussion about which flavor of Chex we’re going to bring home.  In a secluded monastery in Luxembourg, a cell phone is ringing to the thumping sounds of 50 Cent.   When crossing campus grounds between classes, if you’re not chatting (again, loudly) with your sorority sister, “Erica, like, omigawd, that bitch thinks she’s all that! I totally just want to stuff her mouth with a tampon!”, you look like some sort of freak without a cell phone attached to your ear.  

The distinctive electronic rings of these contraptions go off in movie theaters, waiting rooms, on the bus, and even in church.  I’ve had university professors that have interrupted their lectures just to answer their phones.  Cellular service has proven so disruptive in our daily lives that many places have introduced “cell free zones”.  One evening last summer, I treated my good friend Phillip out to lunch.  A few seconds after our appetizer of buffalo wings arrived, his cell phone rang.  Not only was Phillip inconsiderate enough not to turn it off, but after he answered, he ran his yapper for almost ten minutes talking with a friend.  “Oh, girl, he’s not good for you anyways.  We need to go dancing Saturday night!”  Blah blah blah yadda yadda.  As I gnawed on my spicy chicken, in disbelief of what was transpiring in front of me, I thought to myself,  Dude, I’m paying for your dinner.  How about I just snatch your precious little phone and stab it repeatedly with my salad fork?  How would you like that, motherfucker?

And what do we talk about on our cell phones?  Absolutely NOTHING!  Not too long ago, it cost a lot of money to waste thousands of minutes every month and we were more particular about who we spoke with and what we talked about.  Now, cellular service has become so cheap that we can talk anywhere about anything at anytime.  This was overheard in the men’s restroom at Newark International Airport Terminal C on November 4, 2002:

(a phone rings to the sounds of the Lone Ranger anthem)

(echoed voice) “This is Bill, hello?  TED!  Ha, ha, you’ll never guess where you caught me – I’m in a bathroom stall!  Yeah, I’m wiping my ass right now!  Go ahead and purchase 250 shares of Martha Stewart Inc.  Uh huh.  Yes.  No.  Yeah, my flight is late, can you believe that!  Hey buddy, can you hold on a sec?”

(Ted is then greeted with the raucous sound of Bill’s toilet flushing)

“Say, how’s the wife Ted?”

Not only is Ted listening to the horribly distant and echoed voice of his friend, but now twenty other men are privy to Bill’s bathroom tales.  Our conversations have degenerated from private one-on-one exchanges into a public forum.  On one occasion, I called the woman that I was dating on her cell, unaware that she was a passenger in her friend’s car.  In response to the situation I said, “I guess this means I can’t make fun of her right now, huh?”

Silence immediately ensued.  She replied, “Uh oh, I had my volume turned up really loud, I think she heard you.  She looks red.” Umm…whoops.    

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These days it’s not good enough to simply have a phone on which you can receive and make calls - they must also be equipped with Web access and digital cameras.  Cameras?  Are they serious?  There exists only one group of people that would think that a phone equipped with a camera is important and practical enough to own – and that would be perverts.  Immediately after this new technology was introduced, websites sprung up full with random photos taken up unsuspecting women’s skirts and down into bathroom stalls.  In fact, at this very moment, a 19-year old pimple-faced teenager in a university dorm room is taking pictures of his penis to send to his AOL sweetheart DaInTyGaL86.

If you’re not satisfied with the default ring tones that come with your cell phone, feel free to download everything you could possibly want from the internet: the 1812 overture, Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, or Ice Ice Baby - you can have all of your favorites.  On December 14, 2003, this conversation was recorded among a U.S. armed force unit in Iraq:

(an unseen phone rings to the dulcet tones of the Macarena)

Immediately every soldier on the scene digs into their pockets, and the commanding officer barks, “I thought I told you scum to turn down your damn phones!”

“No sir!”
“Wasn’t me, sarge.”
“Can’t be me, I’ve got Britney Spears programmed into my phone.”
“What?”
“Never mind.”
“Shh, I still hear it.”

Everyone falls silent, as the melodious sounds of the Macarena sift their way through the desert wind and sand.  Accompanying the music is the muffled sound of irate cursing.

“It’s coming from that hole down there!”

As the soldiers rush in, they discover ex-dictator Saddam Hussein, standing on his left foot, body tilted at a 30 degree angle, and right arm branching out like a television antennae, desperately trying to get decent cellular reception.

Later that evening, the American president would announce that Hussein was captured, but neglected to inform us of the real hero - Sprint.

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Not only have cellular phones disrupted our privacy and skewed our sense of manners, we have allowed them to craft us into dangerous drivers.  Do not mistake this fact – talking on your cell phone while operating a vehicle is dangerous.  Drivers that actually reason that they can talk and drive at the same time without the benefit of a “hands-free” device are fooling themselves.

There have been many occasions where I have been stuck behind an automobile that is traveling slower than the speed limit and is swerving across multiple lanes.  Is it a drunk?  An old blind lady?  Upon passing the vehicle, I realize that the driver is doing nothing but mouthing away on their cell phone.  Nothing in this world is so critical that we must endanger our own lives, not to mention the lives of the people around us, by talking on our cell phone, and therefore, not paying ANY attention to the road.  Everyday, people are injured and killed because of some yokel yapping away on their cell phone while driving.  During the time you’ve taken to read this article, several idiots will have caused car accidents for this very reason.

On my way to a university class last spring, I witnessed a cellular incident that I will never forget.  Backpack slung over my shoulder, my jaw dropped as a motorcyclist sped by while screaming into his cell phone:

“TED, THIS IS BILL!  GUESS WHERE I AM?  HEY HOW IS THE WIFE DOING?”

I immediately halted in my tracks, turned around, and patiently waited for this guy to run smack into a telephone pole.  Thankfully, it never happened and I sincerely hope he didn’t hurt anyone.

The invention of the cell phone has made people more accessible to one another, but not without a price.  In the elevator, in restaurants, in our cars - we need to learn and be aware of the appropriate times to use our cell phones, and when to put them away.  So be careful the next time you talk with Ted.